If you can't make it in the trailer park, i guess try to fake it?

 

Something that has gained widespread popularity over the years is "white trash" & "redneck"-themed parties. Since us folk that are actually labeled as such take great pride in it, let's see how genuine these imposters are & give a little critique..

 

These two are a rip-roaring duo.

-I am digging the PBR hat but let's face it, was a Natty ICE hat not up for grabs? A John Deere hat? A NASCAR hat? PBR is fine and all since we prefer our drinks cheap and with alcohol content. I guess it'll do just fine. Now the tattoo's.

-You guys couldn't whip up a nice homemade tattoo gun & just do it the RIGHT way? Lose the Sharpie's. A little stick-n-poke never hurt anyone.

- Guy with the fake handlebar mustache... are you a baby in a man's body? I don't think so. Grow that 'stache out like a man, boy!

-Also to the guy with the fake handlebar mustache, lose the girly-tinted shades! No good man I know would be seen in those things! Have you lost your damn mind!

 

Onto photo #2,

-Lose that blue Solo cup & grap a RED ONE.

-Use that dart board behind you and stop dilly-dallying around.

 

#3,





These two need to just give it up.

-POISON?!?! Throw on a Hank Williams shirt for christsake! Camouflage shirt. Anything but that silly ass nonsense. ACDC? I will settle with. You tried woman.

-Get the 3/4 sleeve shirts off & throw on an ACTUAL tee shirt. Noone 'round my parts would wear that. Believe that.

-Bandana around the wrist? I don't get it. Put it around your forehead to catch the sweat droplets as you're walking to the gas station to pick me up a case of beer.

-That house décor behind you leads me to believe that you aren't even in a good southern home. Go outside. Make a fire. Hunt. Get some moonshine. Just get out of that ugly ass house.

-Your phone's don't appear to be smart phone's. That is a plus.

 

 

Here we go, I saved the worst for last. #4,

I just don't fuckin' know with these two terrible excuses.

-BOARD SHORTS.

-THERE IS A FOUNTAIN. If this were in a real redneck neighborhood, the closest you'd find to that is a sprinkler.

-What do you have in that paper bag, boy? I think you're just covering up the fact that you drink one of those disgraces to alcohol, like Smirnoff Wild Cherry or Mike's Hard Lemonade. You look like you would drink that.

-Your jean shorts look pre-ripped. I don't think you would last 10 minutes around the women 'round here.

-Those bushes behind you look very well-manicured.

-Nice pose with your other hand, boy. You fixin' to give a handjob?

-Us folk do not buy shirts that have printed on it, "DRINKING TEAM". We grab a white tee shirt and we write on it with Sharpie.

-To note, the guy has one good thing going for him. He has, what looks to be, a real TERRIBLE tattoo. Bad tattoo's are a dime a dozen in the trailer park.

 

That has been your first edition of Fake White Trash.

If you attend any of these parties imitating what real American life should be like & snap/find any photo's from such, send 'em on in to be critiqued, like so.

 



Talkin' ABOUT SEXY TAN LINES,

The summer is here fellow rednecks and white trash buddies!

Last entry we discussed a simple way using your automotive to beat the scorching heat but now an entry talking about the repercussions of staying out too long with your badass Budweiser/Nascar/"Git R Done"/John Deere headgear on. This will be the edition of the Farmer's Tan Trilogy (yes, i know there is technically 4 white trash tan's, but i'll explain below why i choose to omit the fourth below) as i will call it. An entry for each to shine a little light (preferably from our bonfires) on the unique attributes of each.



First off, there are many kinds of tan lines and "farmer's tans" but amongst us trailer folk, the 3 most common tans are

1) Wifebeater tan.

2) T-shirt tan. (Also known as the "traditional" farmer's tan.) The most common of the 4.

3) .... The hat tan (the rarest, yet most coveted).

..and the one that doesn't really represent us but is still technically included in the White Trash Tan count:

4) The shades tan.

"Farmer's tan" itself is typically a redneck-claimed term though is widespread across the grid in the U-S-of-A now but the "hat farmer's tan" is almost exclusively ours. Different farmer's tan's belong to different kinds of rednecks as well. The original "farmer's tan" (or T-shirt tan) belongs to your usual farming guy or the John Deere-riding fellow. The "wifebeater tan" belongs to your regular trailer park thug, you know them when you see them ( or hear 'em talk, little smart mouth shits). The hat tan is to every lawn-mower ridin' guy just going to the local grocer-mart to pick him up a 12 case of Natty and a pack of Marlboro's or Pall Malls (since they're cheaper). The "shades tan" is a usually a Nascar loving white trash fellow that just happened to be out too long fishin' and drinkin' with his boys.

 Though most semi-respectable white trash/rednecks don't claim "the shades tan" since it's also a Panama City Beach spring break staple of any crazy, yelling college senior just trying to get laid in the shade (and who can blame you, brother)! It's still technically white trash, but isn't the hillbilly/redneck/easy going/trailer livin' kind of white trash. It's more like the "i drugged your wifey at Senor Froggy's for a little bed romp in my piss-scented spring break hotel room". That's just not what us folk are about... so the "shades tan" is officially omitted. That explains that! There you have it!

Now most folks don't really get to see the hat tan about town, but us folks around the trailer park know it's one of the most common tan's around our parts. Whether it's a baseball cap or a cowboy hat, the tan lines left from our headgear can be quite unforgiving and make my wife picking on me even more annoying, AS HELL, than usual. She cackles like a banshee everytime I accidentally stay out on my ride-on lawnmower too long wearing my favorite Natural Ice baseball hat. I swear she's from one of Satan's litter's but that's a whole 'nother story... change of subject. 

Now, if any of you capture the ever-elusive "hat farmer's tan" or if it happens to you, send a pic on in. It happens to the best of us. Falling asleep in your front yard after too much booze will always do the trick.. it's better than falling asleep and falling into your bonfire though.. that's a whole 'nother story... change of subject.