If you can't make it in the trailer park, i guess try to fake it?

 

Something that has gained widespread popularity over the years is "white trash" & "redneck"-themed parties. Since us folk that are actually labeled as such take great pride in it, let's see how genuine these imposters are & give a little critique..

 

These two are a rip-roaring duo.

-I am digging the PBR hat but let's face it, was a Natty ICE hat not up for grabs? A John Deere hat? A NASCAR hat? PBR is fine and all since we prefer our drinks cheap and with alcohol content. I guess it'll do just fine. Now the tattoo's.

-You guys couldn't whip up a nice homemade tattoo gun & just do it the RIGHT way? Lose the Sharpie's. A little stick-n-poke never hurt anyone.

- Guy with the fake handlebar mustache... are you a baby in a man's body? I don't think so. Grow that 'stache out like a man, boy!

-Also to the guy with the fake handlebar mustache, lose the girly-tinted shades! No good man I know would be seen in those things! Have you lost your damn mind!

 

Onto photo #2,

-Lose that blue Solo cup & grap a RED ONE.

-Use that dart board behind you and stop dilly-dallying around.

 

#3,





These two need to just give it up.

-POISON?!?! Throw on a Hank Williams shirt for christsake! Camouflage shirt. Anything but that silly ass nonsense. ACDC? I will settle with. You tried woman.

-Get the 3/4 sleeve shirts off & throw on an ACTUAL tee shirt. Noone 'round my parts would wear that. Believe that.

-Bandana around the wrist? I don't get it. Put it around your forehead to catch the sweat droplets as you're walking to the gas station to pick me up a case of beer.

-That house décor behind you leads me to believe that you aren't even in a good southern home. Go outside. Make a fire. Hunt. Get some moonshine. Just get out of that ugly ass house.

-Your phone's don't appear to be smart phone's. That is a plus.

 

 

Here we go, I saved the worst for last. #4,

I just don't fuckin' know with these two terrible excuses.

-BOARD SHORTS.

-THERE IS A FOUNTAIN. If this were in a real redneck neighborhood, the closest you'd find to that is a sprinkler.

-What do you have in that paper bag, boy? I think you're just covering up the fact that you drink one of those disgraces to alcohol, like Smirnoff Wild Cherry or Mike's Hard Lemonade. You look like you would drink that.

-Your jean shorts look pre-ripped. I don't think you would last 10 minutes around the women 'round here.

-Those bushes behind you look very well-manicured.

-Nice pose with your other hand, boy. You fixin' to give a handjob?

-Us folk do not buy shirts that have printed on it, "DRINKING TEAM". We grab a white tee shirt and we write on it with Sharpie.

-To note, the guy has one good thing going for him. He has, what looks to be, a real TERRIBLE tattoo. Bad tattoo's are a dime a dozen in the trailer park.

 

That has been your first edition of Fake White Trash.

If you attend any of these parties imitating what real American life should be like & snap/find any photo's from such, send 'em on in to be critiqued, like so.

 



This a different breed of white trash here.

 

Fuck breast milk. Faygo all day.

Cause nothing is classier than anything that can hold your beer..

So this will be our first edition of White Trash Luxury. Now if you're a little confused on how to decipher between just "luxury" and "white trash luxury" (if you are, well, that's weird, man), i'm here to clear that up for you with some clear explanations and, of course, photographic examples.

But truth be told, a lot of rednecks and my fellow white trash in general sometimes think the nifty devices and lawnmower modifications we do are, indeed, very classy. When us rednecks get a creative hair up our ass (or our wives are bitching) we do some pretty amazing shit.

What you are now viewing is the result of some MASTER craftsmanship. Every lady i've showed this masterpiece too (my mom, my 5 sisters, my crazy wife, her crazy best friend, the neighbor lady, Butch's wife, Bill's wife, Bill's ex-wife) is absolutely taken back by it's sheer beauty. I would give up Natty Ice for a week for just a 5 minute ride around the block. I know that every kid in my neighborhood would rob the local grocermart and give their left thumb to show up in this piece of art to their prom.
I'm not going to lie, I kind of want a picture of this amazing vehicle above my bed to stare at every night before i drift off to sleep. Also, to stare at while my wife wants to ride me into oblivion (only when she gets back from the lady's saloon on their ladies night, every Wendsday). God knows I need something positive to focus on then. Something to keep my spirits up while that devil woman abuses my manhood every which way till' Sunday.. if ya know what i mean.

Now, THIS looks comfortable as hell. Many a day do I sit in my own favorite lounge chair while watching Cops wishing it was in a little john boat allowing me to fish in the most absolute comfort possible. But it's just a personal dream of mine... we all can dream.
Same goes for this little shin-dig:

How comfortable does that look? VERY comfortable. However, i did notice it's missing a beer holder. I am a firm believer that mowing lawns and drinking a cold one goes hand-in-hand so this could possibly deduct it's luxury value in my eyes.. but if i could ride something like this, i wouldn't hesitate to just hold it.. i'll settle.

Lastly, but certainly not least, we have this God of maxing and relaxing. He has taken his love of relaxing while drinking a cold one and keeping an eye on the neighborhood to the maximum comfort level possible. I also love that he doesn't give two shits (probally not even one shit) that he's on a crutch and it was probally not an easy task getting up there. My NASCAR hat is off to you, man. He's clearly living in redneck luxury. I wish i was there cracking one open with you brother. But no, i'm stuck here listening to my damn neighbors argue over who pushed who in the bonfire first last night while they was all drunk.

GREATWHITETRASH is back in action!

After a brief hiatus (blame it on the wife bitching and the damn neighbor kids snipping my cable wires...whole 'nother story) your, hopefully, favorite blog is ready to be back in full-force.
See ya'll soon. Real soon. ;)

Sincerely yours,
Hanky Walchester.

Who are you shopping-cart-griller-man? I wish we were brothers.

Us redneck's will always find a way to grill our steaks. You best believe it.

This is a proud moment, seeing this picture.

I'm applauding you, whoever you are, shopping-cart-griller-man.

Talkin' ABOUT SEXY TAN LINES,

The summer is here fellow rednecks and white trash buddies!

Last entry we discussed a simple way using your automotive to beat the scorching heat but now an entry talking about the repercussions of staying out too long with your badass Budweiser/Nascar/"Git R Done"/John Deere headgear on. This will be the edition of the Farmer's Tan Trilogy (yes, i know there is technically 4 white trash tan's, but i'll explain below why i choose to omit the fourth below) as i will call it. An entry for each to shine a little light (preferably from our bonfires) on the unique attributes of each.



First off, there are many kinds of tan lines and "farmer's tans" but amongst us trailer folk, the 3 most common tans are

1) Wifebeater tan.

2) T-shirt tan. (Also known as the "traditional" farmer's tan.) The most common of the 4.

3) .... The hat tan (the rarest, yet most coveted).

..and the one that doesn't really represent us but is still technically included in the White Trash Tan count:

4) The shades tan.

"Farmer's tan" itself is typically a redneck-claimed term though is widespread across the grid in the U-S-of-A now but the "hat farmer's tan" is almost exclusively ours. Different farmer's tan's belong to different kinds of rednecks as well. The original "farmer's tan" (or T-shirt tan) belongs to your usual farming guy or the John Deere-riding fellow. The "wifebeater tan" belongs to your regular trailer park thug, you know them when you see them ( or hear 'em talk, little smart mouth shits). The hat tan is to every lawn-mower ridin' guy just going to the local grocer-mart to pick him up a 12 case of Natty and a pack of Marlboro's or Pall Malls (since they're cheaper). The "shades tan" is a usually a Nascar loving white trash fellow that just happened to be out too long fishin' and drinkin' with his boys.

 Though most semi-respectable white trash/rednecks don't claim "the shades tan" since it's also a Panama City Beach spring break staple of any crazy, yelling college senior just trying to get laid in the shade (and who can blame you, brother)! It's still technically white trash, but isn't the hillbilly/redneck/easy going/trailer livin' kind of white trash. It's more like the "i drugged your wifey at Senor Froggy's for a little bed romp in my piss-scented spring break hotel room". That's just not what us folk are about... so the "shades tan" is officially omitted. That explains that! There you have it!

Now most folks don't really get to see the hat tan about town, but us folks around the trailer park know it's one of the most common tan's around our parts. Whether it's a baseball cap or a cowboy hat, the tan lines left from our headgear can be quite unforgiving and make my wife picking on me even more annoying, AS HELL, than usual. She cackles like a banshee everytime I accidentally stay out on my ride-on lawnmower too long wearing my favorite Natural Ice baseball hat. I swear she's from one of Satan's litter's but that's a whole 'nother story... change of subject. 

Now, if any of you capture the ever-elusive "hat farmer's tan" or if it happens to you, send a pic on in. It happens to the best of us. Falling asleep in your front yard after too much booze will always do the trick.. it's better than falling asleep and falling into your bonfire though.. that's a whole 'nother story... change of subject.  



Where do rednecks & fellow white trash cool their britches in the scorching, upcoming summer months?

You should of guessed that! Wasn't it obvious? A pick-up truck really does serve multiple purposes. I'd surely be lost without mine. Can't seperate a man from his prized steed.

What you want to do to recreate one of these dependable sources of relaxation during the summer is collect the following items:

Pick-up truck, a large tarp (or anything that will prevent the water from leaking through and rusting up your truck bed), water source (preferably your neighbor's water hose so you don't ring up your own water bill),

lawn chairs to put in there (optional), beer (not optional).

Now fill her up & get to relaxing. Perfect for family gatherings. Put on the bbq and get ready to relax in the luxury of the back of your own vehicle and soak up the summer sun. Don't forget to remove your wife beater if you want to get rid of those nasty tan lines my wife says she hates.